No, no one has died, thank God, but there is a divorce going on in the family—a completely unexpected occurrence, one that I never thought I would have to live through. It’s been hellish for all parties and particularly the supporting players, such as my husband and myself. We’ve actually gone through all of Kubler Ross’ stages of death—denial (this couldn’t be happening in our family); anger (why didn’t the children get help…why didn’t they reach out to us…why didn’t they give us a clue); bargaining (pleading with God and the parties involved to slow the process down at least); depression (tears every day and sleepless nights which surely came from helplessness, sadness, and fear for the); and finally acceptance.
We are almost at the acceptance stage but not yet. It comes down to the huge mountain still to come in regards to rearranging and redesigning the family from what it once looked like to what it will look like.
The dynamics are completely upside down. I remember in another divorce I was told that my then sister in law had nothing to say to me because she was divorcing the entire family. Having been her roommate in college and a good friend I couldn’t even attend a funeral to say goodbye. It was simply over. They say in many ways divorce is a living death and I suppose it is.
According to my Second Journey Itinerary, change was certainly thrust upon me, I had a crisis of feelings, and now I pause to see where it takes me.
In any case, I have mustered my strength to redesign the family and my own situation but I am writing this blog to ask all of you out there what you have done and would do if there had been a divorce in your family.
Joan,
You have done nothing wrong… I have to remind myself daily. Praying for you as you go through this difficult time. My youngest daugter and her husband have been silent for several years as she goes through depression and claims we are the reason for her state of mind. Very hard for the whole family… like splinters that you can not remove. So continue being who you are and know that God is in control. I just love your books and your blog. And again….we have done nothing wrong!
sandra
silence is the worst…going remote and no dialogue…
someone said parental love is the most painful and I would have to aagree. Thanks for reaching out
Joan
Our youngest daughter divorced two years ago. It was a long process of probably close to 3 years. He left, they got back together and then he left. Couples counseling continued and then the divorce process started. Three little children – the youngest was not even 2 years old and the twin boys were less than 4. I cannot tell you the pain I have felt for the children and really for all of us. However, now these long years latter daughter has completed a training program and has a job. The children just had their 9 and 11 birthdays. Grandparents have stayed attentive and we have made it priority to be as present in every way that we possibly can be. I have come to value family more than ever. I have grown through the pain and have acceptance most of the time. It certainly isn’t what I’d preferred. I have come to see how powerless I am and am learning to let go more without such a struggle. There are days that I wonder…’if only” and then I have to stop, take a breath and return to the now. My spiritual path is stronger and I hold each of them in prayer. I can now pray for him also. Time does help wounds heal.
May God bless you and your family through these difficult times.
Linda
yes it is the powerlessness…we mothers were putting on the bandaids for so long and then when somethiing big comes along wwe are made to stand there hopeless.
thanks for your comment
Dear Joan,
Having been through one myself almost 10 years ago, and having my sister go through one last year, I can empathize with you. The word that comes to mind is compassion. This word is synonymous with patience, which is so necessary in these most tender of moments in life.
Nothing will make sense to anyone for a while. But the inherent goodness of each of these individuals – now buried beneath the surface of this current tragedy of love and torrent of emotions – will one day bring healing to their wounded souls. And in the meantime, any compassion offered to them will help with that process.
The truth is that no one really understands what is going on, not even those who have felt compelled to make that painful choice. It truly hurts not just those individuals, but the community at large. Sadly, the two who divorce don’t often see how far the effects that their ripping apart has gone. All they see is their own pain, shame, broken dreams, chaos, and lost sense of direction.
Which is why I say the healing balm is compassion. On a radio program yesterday the speaker offered that compassion is loving others THROUGH the pain, not necessarily out of it, but right through the ugly part of it all. This is a challenge that I’m learning to comprehend …and perhaps I am not alone on this journey either.
peace to your tender mother-heart and soul,
justine
Justine
How beautifully said…and yes, patience is the key as well s loving both my son and daughter in law.The part about sticking with both of them through the whole ugly part truly hits home. I had hoped to avoid that part although I knew and know better. So I shall gather up my loving thoughts and barrel ahead with your urging.
Joan.
Dear Joan,
As a daughter that put my Mother and Dad thru a divorce, I have a different perspective, in a way.
It was hell for all in the beginning, but now 35 years later, I know it was the right decision for all.
Unfortunately, my children have paid the price, and that I am so sad about.
That is the collateral damage, and I know you do have Grandsons in this mix.
You will create a new family dynamic, but, it will be ok, honestly:)
The important thing is your son and your Grandsons, hopefully the ex daughter in law will be accommodating to you.
This will be my prayer for you and your family, that she will be kind, thoughtful,and a decent human being in all instances, because of the children.
Learn to “let go” of what was, and learn to embrace “what is”
Blessings and prayers:)
Shannon
Shannon
“learn to let go of what was and accept what is…” such wise words that I myself speak of alot in my books and still, I need to practice practice practice…that fixer mother has long stopped fixing and yet I think I can actually wave a wand in many cases. What is is all. Thanks
Take a very neutral position for the grandkids sake. Don’t say anything negative AT ALL about either spouse (blood or inlaw). Maintain a relationship that is cordial with both saying that even if the parents are no longer married you will always regard them as your grandchildren’s parents who happen to be divorced. Long marriages really have many marriages and often a few unacknowledged emotional divorces. The trend today, because women aren’t trapped in marriages so much, is to have serial marriages/relationships. You grow as much as you can in a relationship, leave it, grow in a new relationship. I am divorced and remarried and I call my stepson’s mom my ex-wife-in-law. It wasn’t easy but we have become friends, finally, and even tennis partners…all because we loved the same kids. My husband and her new husband are friends and tennis partners. There is a paradigm shift away from blame and shame that I think is healthy. If you can remain positive, civil and accepting without taking sides, you will still have your family just in different form. Best wishes and my prayers. Divorce just sucks, that is all there is to it but good things can come out of one eventually.
Please remember that you and Robin set a great example for having the courage to find yourselves (he b/c you did) and even though your marriage worked out, your example will surely have an impact on your son’s and daughter-in-laws.
MaryLou
thanks just the kind of medicine I needed to hear and take.
Hi Joan – Just read your blog about the family divorce – the one that has been brewing for a while? ‘ve experienced several in my family – daughter, both sons, and my own just 2 years ago. You son’s divorce is not about you but certainly effects you. It’s hard to release our illusions and expectations – about life as we would like it to be for everyone, especially those most near and dear. Where children are involved I believe it serves everyone well to maintain a sense of compassion – for all concerned/involved. A couple of years ago I let go of my yearning for lifelong marriage for myself and my children – and embraced the reality of our family. I believe my attitude has something to do with the friendships that all of us have cultivated with previous spouses. It takes a village to get us through life’s difficult moments/events, to raise our children, to ease pain, and especially to remind us who we are and why we are here! Love and fear are incompatible; I chose to love all the people my children (and I) walked with on our journey of becoming all we are meant to be. The mother of your son’s children will always be a part of your life; you get to create what that looks like! Thanks for sharing your tender heart.
Joyce Anne
I so respect how you’ve managed all the twists and turns of your life…a mentor to me for sure and for many…and your words are reassuring as always.And thank you for your birthday greeting to me…I cherish it as it hangs above my computer.
Joan
Joan, I’m so sorry to hear that you have to go through this. No one writes a guide to give you wisdom or tell you what to do or what not to do.
I say, “Keep the Faith” and somehow you will find the direction you are go. Time will heal and we can forgive but we always remember.
My wish for you is this: May you live long enough to see your child happy again—–and I think you will.
I feel the need to write to you and I hope it will help. I dearly love and treasure all of your words and wisdom.
Stay strong and give everybody space. Turn this into a postive-write a book about the dreaded word D I V O R C E ….
We blog readers love you and are so glad you asked us. That’s a compliment!!!
Jane I knew there would be help for me in the blogging world and I am so grateful. Thanks for your understanding and encouragement.
My mother’s heart hurts for your mother’s heart. And your grandmother’s heart. Pull into the center of yourself – and cry. You are a strong woman who has the wisdom to deal with this each step of the way. You will see the path ahead illuminated one step at a time as you need it.
Debbie
this grandmother has taken the bull by the horns and recently went to visit the children…sleeping in their home, walking them to school, visiting their classes and having a fun hotel night. Even though their home life is different it is no different between me and them.I am relieved having taken the step
I’m so sorry to hear that. You and your family will be in my prayers during this unsettled and unsettling time in your lives.
Mother and Grandmother Joan, I don’t know the answer except to keep focused on the grandkids and love them up! They need a “constant” they can depend on with so much transition hitting them. Our adult kids sometimes need a good reality check, but we know better (most days) and keep our lips locked. They will have to figure out their own problems while we try to separate, or peel away from them and not “save” them. I pray for courage to communicate with my son in a way that is honest but not judgmental. Until I can figure that out, I’ll remain silent and dwell on that excellent word, “compassion”. This blog is a wonderful source of solace thanks to you and your followers. Keep your chin up! xo T.
Five years down the track with my own separation I know the heartache and pain you must be feeling for your son, daughter in law and family. Be strong life’s journey is not always smooth.
hi Carmel….that’s for sure but I am just about at the acceptance stage of grief and am ready to carry on with the children and whoever else will have me…there has been a shift but relations are relations and we are all still that
Joan,
My son and his wife divorced many years ago and yes, it felt like a death. I concur with the blogger who urged you to take a neutral position even though you want someone to be the bad person in the situation. I made a real effort, and it wasn’t always easy, to maintain communication with my daughter-in-law. She was the link to my granddaughter and that was my only motivation. The grandsons will need you and Robin to be a stable force during this time of turmoil. The children suffer so much. Try to keep in touch with them – always involving the custodial parent.
My heart goes out to you. Remember – you didn’t cause the divorce and you can’t fix it.
you are right about the custodial parent and I am indeed holding your advice to my heart
A year and a half ago, my husband and I made the decision to end our 21-year marriage. Luckily, our children are adults and shared my feelings that it was long overdue. However, it was still very difficult because his family was essentially my only family for most of those years. I had to sever ties with his mother for awhile because I felt she was being judgmental when she didn’t have all the facts. Once the dust settled a little and she was able to get some perspective, we’ve opened the lines of communication again. Although I understand her natural instinct to protect her son, she seemed to have forgotten that two of us were in the marriage, therefore two of us were responsible to what happened to the marriage. I hope this transistion will be a relatively smooth one for everybody involved. God bless.
Thank you for confirming the fact that only the 2 people in a marriage know what is happening there…I therefore have been able to relieve myself of the guilt and have stopped trying to soothe or fix
Joan,
As many before me have written – this has nothing to do with you. You must look at it in any way as something you could have done or would have done differently. It is between you son and ex-daughter in-law. What is important is that you if you choose too, form a different relationship with her (if she chooses too). You also reshape your relationship with your son, which excludes her.
Form a bonding relationship with your grandchildren. They are the ones who suffer and become confused and hurt. My prayers for you and your family are that after the dust settles, all god will come out of all of this. The family takes a new direction and new path. You and your husband focus on the grandchildren, they matter.
Dear Joan, Divorce. I hated that word so I named mine a new agreement. I soon realized it was a true parting not my ideal of a new agreement. I had been growing within our families for 27 years. That is where the hurt was scolding. How could I or would I just leave his side of the family at this point they are mine too. So after almost 4 years I still visit mother in law every Sunday and have attended all the major holidays , for my daughters for the the nieces and the bro in laws as the former poked at his girl friend right there in front of me and the girls. What in the world was I doing there witnessing his dating, was this good for me? NO…but the rest of the family wanted me there, they said, really? The situation is too toxic so I am committed to not go back to see my former on the arm of another…My question is will I one day be ok with seeing another woman on his arm. Otherwise, the integration of past and new life embracing all that is makes sense in the continuum of a beautiful loving life. However, beautiful this sounds it does not feel beautiful. Divorce is confusing not matter what one calls it. When I first read your book by the sea, I thought you were doing what I was, leaving a marriage and then your husband returned and I threw the book because that would not be happening for me. then I picked up your book and was glad for you, envious a little. How to make peace with that which one cannot control. Mindfulness. k
Dear Joan, I stumbled upon your blog today, Mother’s Day, May 8, 2011. My son and his wife, who have been married only four years, separated in February. She was like a second daughter to me, so full of love, so beautiful, such an inspiration. However, she had been having an affair for five years – found out by the wife of the man she was involved with, and the news came one dark, dreary night via telephone. My son was absolutely devastated, as were each and every member on both sides of the families. This was not the person I thought I knew. What it meant to us was that she had taken a wedding vow, gone through all the motions of making a life-time commitment, conceived a baby girl (who is now 28 months old) and yet knew in her heart of hearts she was not in love with our son – something she readily admitted when he told her he would stay by her side and try to work things out in the marriage through counselling . . . instead, she told him he was her best friend, but that she was not “in love” with him. It is such a huge loss. Every word you have written about the stages of grief I believe we have experienced, each of us at different times. It is absolutely and truly one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had in my 65 years!! Like you, we are beginning to surface, and yet I cannot truly say we are at the acceptance stage yet. It has been so painful to watch my son suffer as he has, and to see my adorable, beautiful granddaughter not understand why mommy and daddy are not together anymore. We shall make it through; and our son is beginning to surface also . . . and of course, we have the blessing of our precious little granddaughter, whom we love with all our hearts. But, I miss my daughter-in-law, the closeness I thought we shared, and the person I cannot understand now. What makes it even more difficult is the man she had the affair with was on his third marriage and is 34 years older than her – what is that all about anyways??!! This is the first time I have put this all in words – and it seems surreal. I wish you well as you continue through your own painful process, and because it is Mother’s Day, I am wishing you and all mothers reading this a Happy Mother’s Day. God Bless.
I am going through this exact thing. I love my DOL so much and seen her for the first time at a funeral caused by suicide last week. It was traumatic to say the least!
I found my gate to reality lets say that.
No one understands the pain.
Tina Nash
Hillsboro Oregon
Hi I wanted to check in 5 months later. This is the only blog I have read so far and am a believer in checking up in a few months or weeks. Seems after the storm neighbors and the like go on with life.
My son and DOL just announced their divorce and I am hoping that your pain is healing. That you are gaing some stability as I am sure by this point there are many opportunities for challenging conversations and selfish choices. How are you doing with those grand kids and the relationship with sister in law?
Those are hard. I love(d) my DOL so much I am realizing that divorce hurts.. it hurts the whole family. Families marry not just the couple, friendships form, Mother in laws become some how, sisters and one mom, The mother of the son talks intimately with her DOL and the other way around.
Let me know how you are and I will pray appropriately.
You are growing..