Comments on: The Children are Getting a Divorce

By: Tina

Tina — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 19:56:30 +0000

I am going through this exact thing. I love my DOL so much and seen her for the first time at a funeral caused by suicide last week. It was traumatic to say the least!
I found my gate to reality lets say that.
No one understands the pain.
Tina Nash
Hillsboro Oregon

By: Tina

Tina — Sun, 25 Sep 2011 19:48:17 +0000

Hi I wanted to check in 5 months later. This is the only blog I have read so far and am a believer in checking up in a few months or weeks. Seems after the storm neighbors and the like go on with life.
My son and DOL just announced their divorce and I am hoping that your pain is healing. That you are gaing some stability as I am sure by this point there are many opportunities for challenging conversations and selfish choices. How are you doing with those grand kids and the relationship with sister in law?
Those are hard. I love(d) my DOL so much I am realizing that divorce hurts.. it hurts the whole family. Families marry not just the couple, friendships form, Mother in laws become some how, sisters and one mom, The mother of the son talks intimately with her DOL and the other way around.
Let me know how you are and I will pray appropriately.
You are growing..

By: Barb

Barb — Sun, 08 May 2011 23:05:18 +0000

Dear Joan, I stumbled upon your blog today, Mother’s Day, May 8, 2011. My son and his wife, who have been married only four years, separated in February. She was like a second daughter to me, so full of love, so beautiful, such an inspiration. However, she had been having an affair for five years – found out by the wife of the man she was involved with, and the news came one dark, dreary night via telephone. My son was absolutely devastated, as were each and every member on both sides of the families. This was not the person I thought I knew. What it meant to us was that she had taken a wedding vow, gone through all the motions of making a life-time commitment, conceived a baby girl (who is now 28 months old) and yet knew in her heart of hearts she was not in love with our son – something she readily admitted when he told her he would stay by her side and try to work things out in the marriage through counselling . . . instead, she told him he was her best friend, but that she was not “in love” with him. It is such a huge loss. Every word you have written about the stages of grief I believe we have experienced, each of us at different times. It is absolutely and truly one of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had in my 65 years!! Like you, we are beginning to surface, and yet I cannot truly say we are at the acceptance stage yet. It has been so painful to watch my son suffer as he has, and to see my adorable, beautiful granddaughter not understand why mommy and daddy are not together anymore. We shall make it through; and our son is beginning to surface also . . . and of course, we have the blessing of our precious little granddaughter, whom we love with all our hearts. But, I miss my daughter-in-law, the closeness I thought we shared, and the person I cannot understand now. What makes it even more difficult is the man she had the affair with was on his third marriage and is 34 years older than her – what is that all about anyways??!! This is the first time I have put this all in words – and it seems surreal. I wish you well as you continue through your own painful process, and because it is Mother’s Day, I am wishing you and all mothers reading this a Happy Mother’s Day. God Bless.

By: Karen

Karen — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 22:52:59 +0000

Dear Joan, Divorce. I hated that word so I named mine a new agreement. I soon realized it was a true parting not my ideal of a new agreement. I had been growing within our families for 27 years. That is where the hurt was scolding. How could I or would I just leave his side of the family at this point they are mine too. So after almost 4 years I still visit mother in law every Sunday and have attended all the major holidays , for my daughters for the the nieces and the bro in laws as the former poked at his girl friend right there in front of me and the girls. What in the world was I doing there witnessing his dating, was this good for me? NO…but the rest of the family wanted me there, they said, really? The situation is too toxic so I am committed to not go back to see my former on the arm of another…My question is will I one day be ok with seeing another woman on his arm. Otherwise, the integration of past and new life embracing all that is makes sense in the continuum of a beautiful loving life. However, beautiful this sounds it does not feel beautiful. Divorce is confusing not matter what one calls it. When I first read your book by the sea, I thought you were doing what I was, leaving a marriage and then your husband returned and I threw the book because that would not be happening for me. then I picked up your book and was glad for you, envious a little. How to make peace with that which one cannot control. Mindfulness. k

By: joan anderson

joan anderson — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:14:08 +0000

Thank you for confirming the fact that only the 2 people in a marriage know what is happening there…I therefore have been able to relieve myself of the guilt and have stopped trying to soothe or fix

By: joan anderson

joan anderson — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:12:37 +0000

you are right about the custodial parent and I am indeed holding your advice to my heart

By: joan anderson

joan anderson — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:12:04 +0000

hi Carmel….that’s for sure but I am just about at the acceptance stage of grief and am ready to carry on with the children and whoever else will have me…there has been a shift but relations are relations and we are all still that

By: joan anderson

joan anderson — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 20:10:09 +0000

this grandmother has taken the bull by the horns and recently went to visit the children…sleeping in their home, walking them to school, visiting their classes and having a fun hotel night. Even though their home life is different it is no different between me and them.I am relieved having taken the step

By: Mary L.

Mary L. — Mon, 18 Apr 2011 18:20:58 +0000

Joan,
As many before me have written – this has nothing to do with you. You must look at it in any way as something you could have done or would have done differently. It is between you son and ex-daughter in-law. What is important is that you if you choose too, form a different relationship with her (if she chooses too). You also reshape your relationship with your son, which excludes her.
Form a bonding relationship with your grandchildren. They are the ones who suffer and become confused and hurt. My prayers for you and your family are that after the dust settles, all god will come out of all of this. The family takes a new direction and new path. You and your husband focus on the grandchildren, they matter.

By: Marcia Shaffer

Marcia Shaffer — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 12:34:55 +0000

A year and a half ago, my husband and I made the decision to end our 21-year marriage. Luckily, our children are adults and shared my feelings that it was long overdue. However, it was still very difficult because his family was essentially my only family for most of those years. I had to sever ties with his mother for awhile because I felt she was being judgmental when she didn’t have all the facts. Once the dust settled a little and she was able to get some perspective, we’ve opened the lines of communication again. Although I understand her natural instinct to protect her son, she seemed to have forgotten that two of us were in the marriage, therefore two of us were responsible to what happened to the marriage. I hope this transistion will be a relatively smooth one for everybody involved. God bless.