Comments on: Never Call Home, Day 8, Online Retreat

By: Linda

Linda — Sun, 02 Jan 2011 20:10:41 +0000

I am re-reading the days of this wonderful online retreat … and, remembered just last week getting caught up for a few hours of needing and wanting a Hallmark Christmas. It took me off my center and my path for a period of time, long enough to recognize the pain of old dysfunctional behavior and the desire to return to self.

I appreciated your daily trips to the Abbey Joan and your comment: “Each day there after I went back, lit two more candles and walked away, leaving my self-inflicted burdens behind.” Thank you.

By: Joan Straw

Joan Straw — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 22:32:15 +0000

Though not in a traditional chapel context, I pondered today why I might not “light a candle” for those 4 or 5 family members, so I might live and let live. Come to think of it,…they aren’t screaming for help so much as I just want to be in the thick of it: a yearning for when someone fell and needed stitches and you rushed to the ER holding the wound with a washcloth. Oh how wonderful it was to be needed in that way. Now we crones (haha) have new jobs.

Then there is that adorable quote that says, “Dear Lord, could you please put your arm around my shoulders and your hand over my mouth?”

I love this retreat and love the blog. Thanks again to everyone.

By: Jane

Jane — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 14:08:59 +0000

Joan and blogging friends,

I treasurer all the comments, advice and words of wisdom, but I have learned to do one thing, K.M.S. !

Keep Mouth Shut

It works–usually!!!

By: Andra

Andra — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 22:45:05 +0000

completely agree with the Making you feel guilty… I know someone who fits this perfectly… the question is – how do you stop playing into it? The emotional blackmail is just so hurtful… I’m really tired of it… so far I’m holding my own… but the cost is going to be large…

Thanks for your post – hugs to you sister

By: Susie

Susie — Wed, 08 Dec 2010 13:38:16 +0000

Hi Joan-I emailed you last summer..in the process of ending a 30 year marriage. You urged me to come to a retreat, but its not in the cards right now. I HAD to comment on your 3 C’s…the most liberating, freeing words ever uttered!. My husband is an alcoholic and those words, at my first AlAnon meeting set me on my own path of recovery! As to children, we must give them gift of their own lives, and by doing that, it forces us to live OUR own lives. I am doing well…and hope you are as well.Susie

By: Tracey

Tracey — Tue, 07 Dec 2010 14:58:25 +0000

Hi Joan
I was so happy for you when I read about your aha moment with your sons. To understand the pressure you put upon yourself to make everything right for someone else is a powerful insight. You can think clearer in detachment from situations, the hard part is not to get sucked in again when you return.
I’m sure you are leading the way for many women in the same situation to look at their own actions towards their grown children.
As for being the silent elder I am practicing that one! Recently on commenting on whether my granddaughter needed a cardigan on my daughter replied kindly but firmly “mum you’ve been so good recently I’ve hardly had to say anything to you for ages” That put me in my place and I had to smile.

By: admin

admin — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 21:10:45 +0000

Oh my what words of wisdom from you.They come as I planned a surprise birthday for my husband whereby two boys and father would meet in Chicago and go to the Packers game. Well there was snow and O’Hare was opened and closed but somehow by letting it goo and thinking for the best their flights all made it in and the party began.I had the idea but it was inthe hands of others to make it work.

Hope you are all mended,Julie

By: Pat Schwimer

Pat Schwimer — Sun, 05 Dec 2010 16:08:11 +0000

This day’s reflection touches my heart and soul deeply, I am also stuuggling with the struggles of my 2 adult sons. One who is recovering from a tragic car accident, subsequent back surgery and loss of job. The other son and wife who have been pushing me out of their life: too busy to receive phone calls or visits, “dishing” out disrespect and name calling because I do not visit my grandson as often as they feel appropriate, however, they have also totally separated from my husband. I read the early retreat days on this sunny winter’s morn and reflected deeply on exactly what you wrote Joan, Then I read this day and it reinforced my belief in myself, my values and my need to work on detachment in love as Melody Beatty directs in her codependence books. thank you this has been my day for serendipity. Much love

By: Anna K

Anna K — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 23:07:07 +0000

Family members have a way of making me feel guilty for not helping them when they need it. What I am doing, or in some cases…not doing, is never as important as the crisis they find themselves in. My dear Idaho friend said to me once, that the best thing she ever did for her children was to move away from them and North Carolina, her birthplace and home. Then one day, her son called to say his car had broken down. She said in her wonderful southern accent, “Honey, if you wait a few days, I might be able to pick you up!” What a hoot. Yes, I stubbornly work at making my 29, 27, and 23 year old self sufficient. I’m flattered that they usually like me, but really they don’t show that they care about what’s important to me, IF it inconveniences them. I think I’ll add an afternoon walk today. That will make me feel good, and give me time to think before I make dinner. Thank you Joan and all of you for this time. I’d like to make you all a cup of tea and some chocolate chip cookies.

By: Mary L.

Mary L. — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 17:01:30 +0000

Joan,
Good morning sister retreaters. I don’t have children, but a partner, extended family and large circle of friends. I have been the one who keeps them all together (until now I could never have admited that). To me it was just me helping them all out, being there, holding them up when needed, making it all right so they didn’t struggle so much. TA-DA, that is changing and somewhat outlived. I have been working on just saying “no” or not even offering to making it right unless asked. Me the biggest care taking worrier, I am focussing on me and what I need to be that better woman. It is hard sometimes, but I am just beginning to see, as you have stated Joan, what makes me think I have the power to make it right. As I reflect and pray in the mornings, I am releasing myself. I know God is with me and it doesn’t hurt to have a some guardian angels either.
Just imagine and open yourself….